TGImuthatruckinF!

I'm so excited to have a 3-day weekend! :)

breakfast: 400 calories, 5 carbs


***I've decided that no matter what the prescribed caloric intake for the day is, I want to eat more calories in the morning and taper down throughout the day. That way there is a better chance I'll burn off the bulk of it.

The high today is 48, which means I can finally extend my walk without my face freezing off. Exciting. Moar later.

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Today has been incredibly busy, yet awesome at the same time. M got paid for one job he finished (we have a web design company) and a call from a random guy who is going to start a job with him Monday. Money = YAY.

I went to the store and got some vitamins. I also got a bottle of Acai, although upon investigation there isn't any clinical research that proves that it helps with weight loss, but whatever, I'm going to try it out.

Lunch: 400 cals, 5 carbs
Dinner: 190 cals, 4 carbs

Dinner presented an interesting conundrum; I became frantic trying to make it equal exactly 200 calories. I measured my lettuce to exactly 15 cals, and I knew I wanted a 100 calorie tuna packet on it, but I just can't eat salad without dressing on it and all we have is ranch which is a wopping 150 cals for 2 tablespoons. I was literally FREAKING out. "I can't go over that much. Was lunch REALLY 400 calories...maybe it was less...NO, NO I can't go over, I CAN'T GO OVER." So I stared down at my plate and finally it hit me, "Just put half of the dressing on it, idiot." So I did, and I am pleased. Ugh. I know I shouldn't be that concerned about 65 calories, but what is the point in having rules if I'm only going to break them?

It's been a long day... off to SLEEP!

today has been...

...a real "bitch day" for me. I've been very argumentative with the bf, when we normally get along just fine. I don't think it's the restricting, although I'm sure that clinically that "must" be the reason. I just think it's because it's about that time of the month. Ugh.

I did great with keeping the cals right on target though, which makes me happy.

breakfast: 400 cals, 5 carbs
lunch: 300 cals, 4 carbs
*dinner: 100 cals, 4 carbs

Totals: 800 cals, 13 carbs

Not bad, not bad. Oooh, and I was at the supermarket yesterday and found these tuna salad packets that are absolutely perfect (if you like tuna), the entire pouch is only 100 cals and 4 carbs (*see dinner, lol).

I found that as the days go by, I feel the hunger pangs but when I actually eat I feel full very quickly. I'm not sure what that's all about. It just sucks because I measure my food, and I know I have to eat all of it in order to reach my goals for the day. Perhaps in a few weeks I'll tone it down to 400, 600, 800, and eventually to 200, 400, 600 like it's supposed to be? Hmmm....

My exercise for today was the usual walk. I was disappointed because M wanted to go the reverse direction from the way we normally go, and the thing with that is it's the easier way to go in my opinion. Yes, we still had to practically climb up a hill, but going the other way you are on an incline for most of the trek, which I think is better for my ass and legs.

On the upside, I got a new bottle of Tylenol PM! I love the stuff, because you can't eat while you sleep! I'm just the slightest bit concerned because I'm afraid my metabolism will go down...I'm just going to see if taking them effects my loss, and if I think it is I'll have to stop immediately.

Tomorrow is back to 1000 cals...that already seems like entirely too much...I have to stay the course at least for a few more weeks though. After that I'm going to bring it down. I just want my body to step down off calories gradually.

On a small sidenote, I have become obsessed with legs! I flip through my magazines (a wonderful source of thinspo...delivered to my front door!) and gaze upon beautiful skinny leg, after beautiful skinny leg. It's amazing. lol. I'm such a dork. :)

I've been reading so many blogs lately! I just love how there is this huge community that is so supportive...really cool shit. Alright, the drugs are starting to kick in, so I'm off to bed now! Keep going!

holy wednesday, batman!

600 cals today!

Breakfast: 300 cals

I've got to get on the stationary bike this morning before I go to school! I must!

_____

I'm sitting at school currently. I do despise this place with a firey passion... I didn't have time to get on the bike this morning... :( I've been kinda beating myself up about it metntally all morning. I'm going to bike and walk this afternoon, and that's a fact!

So I decided that I want to be able to run a marathon in less than a year. 5K sounds good... Not only is it an exercise goal, but it will also explain rapid weight loss. So that's pretty groovy.

+++TMI WARNING+++

Last night M and I were having sex. I wasn't really into it because I just feel like I look so gross that no one should want to bang me, but whatever. Anyway, the only solace that came from our lovemaking was that as I was ontop of him he held me up by my ribcage. Ah, yes, my bones. They hurt really bad today, and I like that...it's a painful, tangible, reminder of what I'm striving for.

+++TMI OVER+++

Speaking of rapid weight loss...I went over to his mother's house this mornig to use her scale (analog, but better than nothing) and the number is remarkably 12 pounds less than last time I weighed over there, which was about 2 weeks ago. That bit of information kinda perked me up, but made me feel even worse about not biking this morning! I can't get results if I don't work out!!! Alright, off here for now...I should probably act like I'm learning something.

ugh

I woke up about 3 and a half hours earlier than I normally do because of a splitting headache. I have chronic tension headache, which means that I get them pretty much every other day. It sucks, but whatever.

Anyway, today is supposed to be my 1000 calorie day. I tried to eat some leftovers from last night, but I could only eat a little of it and gave the rest to M. I'll just call it 200 calories and 3 carbs.


I'm not entirely sure why, but today feels kinda bipolar. And it has only just started. :( The problem with being emotionless is that the feelings still exist, and they just stack on top of one another...for weeks. And then I'll be angry for a day or two. And then I'll be happy. And then I'll be numb. And then I'll be whatever the fuck you want me to be...just shut up. Yeah...feels good.


Chilly again today. I'm going to try for a walk later regardless. If not, I'll be biking it up. I need to get back on the ab machine again...feel the burn!

Lunch: 400 cals, 6 carbs

Dinner: 400 cals, 3 carbs
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Today has been interesting indeed. I've felt a lovely bit of dizziness throughout the entire day. And I stayed right on track for my caloric intake, which makes me happy.

I asked myself today, "When will you stop?" and all I could think in reply was, "Perhaps when I've disappeared?" Hmm...morbid. I've always been a bit twisted in my thinking though, so whatever. :)

Oh, almost forgot, I did get my exercise in today. Only 1.4 miles again. Tomorrow morning I'm going to bike for 20 minutes, and then go for another walk in the afternoon. I'm excited because tomorrow is my 600 cal day, so hopefully I'll get a major burn going!

Hooray for Mondays...

All went well last night. I didn't get the munchies, and in fact, I didn't eat at all. My friend stayed over longer than I thought she would and then I realized that it was getting pretty late and remembered that you shouldn't eat right before going to sleep because then your body won't get rid of it.

So now it's Monday morning and I'm supposed to be getting ready for class. Ugh. I absolutely hate going to the school I'm going to, but I have to go so that I get the disbursement money from my pell grants. Gross.......... But after this I am totally done with school....just business enterprising for me!


Alright, alright, so on to the important stuff... The weather outside is frightful, so I may have to ride the stationary bike later. Hopefully I'll be able to take a walk, as that is my preferred mode of exercise.

As far as food is concerned, I'm not really hungry right this instant, but I'm going to try to eat a couple eggs before heading off to school. It sucks, but sometimes you gotta eat to lose... :(

Updates throughout the day...

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Breakfast: 3 eggs and cheese - 380 cals, 3 carb

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Day isn't over yet... lol I'm going to make a zucchini alfredo with grilled chicken for dinner. 1/6 of the recipe is 427 calories and 7 carbs. This will put me at 807 cals for the day and 10 carbs. Yay, I'm actually going to hit my calorie mark for today! :) *I'm not terribly concerned about going over by 7.

M and I went for a walk after I got home from school. We went the short way (1.4 miles) because it is so FREAK cold outside! The wind was just horrible, stinging every step of the way. He was complaining the entire time, but I just kept thinking about how I wanted to go farther. He said this was going to be his last walk until it starts to heat up and that he's just going to use the stationary bike until then, but that if I want to I can keep walking. Yay. This means that I can go farther! :) Here's hoping that tomorrow will go as smoothly as today has!

Kinda sidenote....I really love the feeling of hunger. It's like a reminder that my fat is burning off. I always want to feel this way...I don't want to lose the hunger pangs!

superbowl today

While I'm sure most skinnies are freaking out about today's superbowl parties, I'm not too terribly concerned. I've never liked the nasty cheese dip and chips, or just about anything else common to these sorts of things. Fortunately it's just going to be M and his dad watching the game, so there won't be a large variety of foods to tempt me anyway.

I haven't eaten anything yet today, but then again I did just wake up. Before I eat anything I'm going to go brush my teeth as hard as I can, and use a lot of mouthwash so that whatever I do eat will taste pretty gross. After that I'm going to plan out everything else I'm going to eat for the day.

The weather is supposed to be icky today (snow/wintery mix), but I still want to go for a walk. Ugh. I guess I'm going to get on the stationary bike for at least 20 minutes before we go to his father's house, and then hopefully the weather won't be so bad that I won't be able to go for a walk once we get over there....hopefully!

Okay, will update on how my day went later on! :)


___________________________________________________

My day has gone really well so far. I did the whole Superbowl thing over at his dad's house. I ate part of a chicken breast (150 cals, 0 carb) with 1 cup of broccoli (30 cals, 4 carbs technically, but I don't count carbs from certain "safe veggies" because of both the effect they have on the metabolism, and the amount of fiber in them) that was covered in 1/4 cup of shredded cheese (1/3 of a cup was the suggested serving size at 130 cals, so I'm just going to call it 100 cals, and 1 carb).

Totals thus far: 280 calories, 1 carb


BUT....


My friend J is about to come by and we are planning on smoking an illicit substance... You see, I am what some might refer to as a "stoner" lol. The only problem is that I'm afraid that I will get the munchies. That is why I am on here trying to plan what I'm about to do...

PLAN: Brush teeth before she comes over, and then do it again immediately after smoking. That way I won't be tempted to eat a bunch, because it will taste really bad.

I do want to get to 600 calories before the end of the day though, so I'm going to have to make a salad later on that will make up for my current deficit.

Tomorrow is supposed to be my 800 day... Gotta keep that metabolism going! :)

I'm gonna try to get on later tonight after my friend leaves and describe the rest of my eating for today. If not, then I'll update tomorrow morning!

Also.....

GO SAINTS! :)

'ello

First post. I'm not sure that anyone will ever lay their eyes on this, but if they do....

Hi, my name is Rosie. I'm 21-years-old, the proud owner of two cats, and horribly obsessed with becoming thin. I'm not going to say that I'm anorexic, because I haven't earned the title yet. I'm a restrictionist, who hopes to one day feel my cold bones jutting out from every direction possible. I want men to covet me, women to hate me, and above all else, I want to be seen as a perfect beauty.

For (literally) years I hardly ever looked down at my body. I knew what was there, and I didn't want to see it, because if I saw it then that meant that it was real, so I just didn't look. Simple enough, but a few months ago I finally got up the nerve to look down...and oh my! How did I get so ungodly FAT. So UGLY. I've always had problems with weight. And that's what it is, a PROBLEM. So for the past 2 months by boyfriend and I have been dieting (low-carb) and exercising at least five days a week. I've lost about 10 pounds this past month, but I want to keep the weight off, and I want to keep losing it.

All of the people in my life (except for my boyfriend), or have ever been in my life, thought/think I am a failure. I'm unreliable, useless, and not worth their time. Well, for once I am going to prove them wrong. I am going to make them hate me for different reasons. They are going to wish they were me before too long.

My boyfriend lives with me, but he is fairly flightly. I can do things and he'll never notice. I have to maintain the low-carb aspect of my dieting, but I also want to start incorporating low-cal into all of this in order to maximize my losing potential. And when I say low-calorie, I'm not going to promise I'm going to start at 200 or anything....I'm thinking something like 600, 800, 1000 days rotating, in order to keep my metabolism fired up. That's the most common issue I see anorexics having is that their metabolism gets so low that they plateau and get discouraged, and end up binging. I want to KEEP LOSING, so I really don't want that to happen to me.

I do not currently have a scale (gasp, right?), but I should be getting one in about 3 weeks. In the mean time I have to use the one that is at his mom or dad's house. Sadly, both scales are old, and one is even analog... :( The one that is digital is VERY unreliable with the numbers it feeds me, so I've just decided to get my own.

I won't be posting my weights on here for a while because I am too embarrassed about it, but one day I will tell you what it *was* ....when that day comes.

Tomorrow I will post my nutritional counts, and exercise amounts as well. Nutritional facts will include calories, carbs, and fat.


If your eyes find this, I hope that you don't think I'm a failure already....so many fat people just stay fat forever, and never do anything to change themselves. I WANT to change. I WILL change.